Volume 1, Issue 37, December 25, 2009: I Lied To Myself I Do Want A Man

Merry Christmas Everyone! I hope you're having a good one because I'm having a very blue one. Even thought I'm surronded by my family, I still feel pensive and melancholy. I feel so bad that I just used some unnecessary SAT words.

I know I've said before that I don't want a boyfriend at all and I wanted to remain single and just fuck around. I was lying to myself. Deep down all this time I realized that I really want a boyfriend badly. Even though 90% of my past relationships were horrible and many of them traumatizing, there is nothing worse than being single. Being single is like being on a rollercoaster ride, with many ups and downs and eventually I barf at the end of the ride. Basically, I'm trying to enjoy but at the end I'm always unhappy.

Don't get me wrong there are some definate pluses to being a single woman: 

1) Independance- You can go where ever you feel like, spend as much money as you want, its just basically all about you.

2) Girl Time-Having fun times with the girls this includes shopping, clubbing, and checking out the hotties. Its always great to have good friends around when you're feeling like a spinster at 19. Friends are always there when you are feeling like $2, they build you back up and make you feel like a $1,000,000 again.

3) Career/School- You'll get better grades in school, you might actually make the dean's list, you can focus on your career and all the long hours of sewing and getting yelled at from you boss. More money to spend on you.

4) No Strings Attached- You can stare any man up and down, have sex with anyone you please, go on numerous dates.

All of this sounds lovely but I tired to do the whole "I'm A Indepedance Woman Phase" but it just didn't work out for me. I thought I was a Samantha, but I'm a Charolette.

Ever since June of 2008 I've been a single woman. My ex was an abusive douchebag who made me feel like dog feces.  Just imagine someone beating the snot out of you for innocently speaking to your clearly gay friend. Someone having access to your facebook because they don't want you to talk to guys online. Having someone call you a bitch, slut, whore, fat, or the n-word as a term of endearment. Being with him was one of the worst times of my life, it took a while for me to leave him. As soon as the bastard talked about marrying me and having children I told him to fuck off and I never looked back.

 It felt so good to be free, I had started college and the future was bright for me.After maybe a couple months I started to get really lonely.I'm truly a serial monogamous, I'm used to being in one relationship after the next. This is the longest I've been single. I'm always used to having a guy there for me. Unforunately, I go to a university where the boy to girl ratio is every 7 girls to 3 guys, which equal a lot of lonely and horny bitches. Most of the guys at my school fall in 3 main categories: Taken, Gay, or Douche.

Taken-Has a girlfriend either on or off campus. Most likely will be really hot,nice, smart and talented. The good ones are always taken.

Gay: Might as well be considered a girl. There is no use for a woman trying to get with a straight guy.

Douche: Most of the male student body at my school. There are so many sub-categories of douche. The come in many manifestations. They can be basketball players, soccer players, preppy, lacrosse bros, club promoters, overtly religious, athesits, ghetto, the list goes on about the different types of dbags I run into and have fallen for at my school. Douches typically:
1) Want girls for only sex-A lot of the guys use the boy girl ratio as their playground. They basically have a choice of every type of female, black, white, asian, latina, big butt, blonde, big tits, red heads, goth chicks, so why commit to one? They want to tast all the colors of the rainbow.
2) The douche can also be taken and engage in activity number 1.
3) Play mind games with a girl by pretending that they actually like you or care for you and led you on to thinking that you are more than they see you as. They pretend to want a relationship, they say all the right things to get you liking them or loving them, But in the end, they only want to see you commit to the doggystyle position.

See? I can never win. I've tried meeting single men at school. I've tried talking with old guy friends from high school. I even tried meeting guys away from my school but it was just as bad. Same douche,different location and circumstances. Sometimes I feel like I've been cursed to never fall in love with someone or to never find my soulmate. I have to be the most unlucky person when it comes to men. Everytime I'm with a man, he always hurts me. Whether it's emotional or physical, I'm always the one with a broken heart in the end. What is wrong with me? Why can't a man ever love me and all 100% of me? All I've been is myself to these guys and they don't seem to like or love me for who I am. Why it that everytime I'm with a man all they want to do is try to break me apart and scatter around like a 1000 piece puzzle?

I know that I'm only 19 but I'm tired of waiting for that right person to come along when I need them and want them the most which is now.I miss having someone kiss my forehead, put their arms around me while I sleep, I miss hearing him breath and his heart beating. I miss that feeling of being in love and wanting to give everything and all for that special someone. I envy all of those lucky women with men around their arms. All the women who pride themselves and have a title wife, girlfriend, or fiancee. They have it so easy, they don't have to swim through a sea of losers and Dbags just to find someone to hold them, they have that special man on speed-dial, he is always ready and willing to do anything for her whether it's just buying her pads when she is on the rag, taking her to the place where they had their first kiss, reminding how beautiful she is everyday.